Comic Geeks From The Fifth Dimension!
by Nova Adams
Summary: Yes, it's a shameless self-insert. But it's a GOOD shameless self-insert.
1. Destiny's Adopted Child From Outer Space

She sauntered into class exactly fourteen minutes late and handed a hall pass to the English teacher 

She sauntered into class exactly fourteen minutes late and handed a hall pass to the English teacher. "Sorry, I'm new here." 

Mrs. Williamson peered at her over the top of her glasses. "Yes? Er…take a seat, please." 

The girl snapped her gum, grinned, and sat down right next to Clark. 

Everyone stared at her for a few moments. She definitely was not your typical Midwestern Smallville chick. She had stringy red hair, yellow sunglasses, electric blue braces, and was wearing a fake fur stole and a T-shirt with a stylized S on it. 

Mrs. Williamson glanced at the hall pass. "Welcome to Smallville High, Elena…er…M-x-z-y-p-l-t-k...how do you pronounce it?" 

"Just like it's spelled," the girl said. "Smith. And my first name rhymes with 'cleaner'." 

Behind her, Lana Lang giggled. 

Elena whirled around in her seat and stared at Lana. "Hey, I don't make fun of your name, do I?"   
  


At lunch, Clark usually sat alone on the bleachers. Elena plopped down next to him. 

"What's up?" she asked, taking a huge bite of a sandwich. 

Clark looked in horror at her sandwich. "What is that?" 

"Tofu and nachos," Elena said. She crunched up a huge chip. "Look, I know a lot about you." 

Clark blinked. "Um…like what?" 

Elena put down her sandwich and started counting off facts on her fingers. "You're in love with Lana Lang, but she isn't the right one for you. You're friends with Lex Luthor and you saved his life, which is, like, incredibly ironic. Oh, and you're an alien." 

Clark took a long look at her. "How do you know all this?" 

"I'm the daughter of a scary little guy from the 5th dimension," Elena said. "Look, I'll talk to you later, okay? I know a lot of stuff that you're going to need to know if you ever want to fulfill your destiny." She stuffed the rest of her sandwich in her mouth and left. 

"Wait a minute," Clark yelled. "What do you mean, my destiny?" 

"I'll come over later," Elena called from across the field.


	2. Akshun Comix Roolz!

She laughs at cryptic utterances from the mouth of a slyly named old crone. She gasps and grins at wilting sunflowers and rains of blood, throws a pillow at the Presidential Seal. 

One hand ferrying strawberry ice cream to her mouth, the other raised in exultation, opening and closing as to shape an entire world… 

When Clark got home, Elena was already in his bedroom, fiddling with his telescope. 

"I wish I had one of these," she said to Clark, one eye squinched shut and the other fixed on the eyepiece. 

Clark didn't waste time. "People keep telling me that I've got a destiny," he said. "My parents. Lex. Cassandra. And you." 

"Maybe," Elena suggested, "they're all right." 

"Yeah?" Clark sat down on the bed. "What's my destiny, then?" 

Elena whirled around. "To fly around the world in blue tights, performing incredibly brave feats and constantly getting the Earth out of highly improbable trouble. Why; what did you think it was?" 

Clark shook his head, as if to clear cobwebs out of his ears. "Blue tights?" 

"Better than yellow spandex." Elena bent down, rummaging under the bed. "Where'd I put them? Jeez, do you ever dust under here?" She pulled out a huge cardboard box and plopped it onto the bed. "Here ya go." 

Clark lifted up the magazine on top. It showed a man in blue tights lifting up an old-fashioned car. "So who's this?" 

Elena sat next to him. "You." 

By the time the sun was setting, Clark was already through the Silver and Golden Age, and starting in on the 1970s. For the sake of tact, Elena had elected to leave out the Superboy comics, theorizing that they would only mess things up. 

After the first hundred comics, she made him read "Man Of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex" by Larry Niven. 

After the second hundred, she made him read "The Kryptonite Kid" by Joseph Torchia. 

She plucked the "Death Of Superman" anthology out of his hands before he had time to turn to the first page. "I think that's enough for one day. It's not a pleasant experience to read about your own death." 

Clark lay back on the bed, staring at nowhere. At last, he said, "So that's it." 

Elena shrugged. "Yeah. I guess so." 

"It doesn't make sense. I mean, Lex and I are friends. And…what happens to Pete and Chloe? Or even Whitney?" He propped his head on his hands. "And I still don't understand the thing with Lois Lane." 

Elena laughed. "Trust me, this will all make sense in time." 

Clark shook his head. "At least now I've got some answers." 

The next day, Whitney was extremely perturbed. 

"I don't get it," he kept saying to Lana. "I mean, there are cheerleaders and players. Girls are cheerleaders. Boys are players. Having a girl player would be like…" He struggled for words. "Having a boy cheerleader," he said at last. 

"So it doesn't make any difference that she whipped the collective butt of the entire team? She's a girl, so she can't play?" Chloe set her lunch tray down next to Lana. 

Whitney glared at her. "Girls can't play. Period." 

Lana picked at her salad. 

"By the way, Clark said that he needs to talk to you," Chloe told Lana. She shot a smug look at Whitney. "He said it's about _the future_." 

Lana sighed with relief and dumped her tray into the trash. 

Whitney glowered. Chloe triumphantly took a bite of her hamburger. Then she spit it out again, because there is no food worse than a high school cafeteria hamburger. Unless it's the highlighter-yellow mucous they try to pass off as gravy. 


	3. Your Mother Was A Mutant And Your Father...

**__**

WHAM! 

WHAM! 

WHAM!

WHAM!

WHAM!

WHAM! 

WHAM! 

WHAM! 

WHAM! 

WHAM! 

WHAM!

Elena decided that the football team definitely did not like her. 

She had, after all, kicked their butts yesterday. Macho guys tended to resent it when skinny nerd girls could beat them up. So during the five minutes between classes, they decided to run her over in the hall. 

In what seemed like an hour, Clark, Pete, and Chloe were standing over her. 

"Are you okay?" Pete asked. 

Elena blinked at him. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." 

"That's not very nice," Chloe said. She knelt down by Elena. "Can you move?" 

Elena waved her away. "It's just a flesh wound!" 

Chloe rolled her eyes. "Stop quoting Monty Python. Seriously, can you move?" 

Elena experimentally twitched. "Ow. Yes. I don't think I'm seriously hurt." 

Chloe nodded. "Those stupid football boys." She stood up. "Clark, you and Pete get Elena to the nurse's office. I'm going to go find someone in authority." 

Elena whimpered. "I want to go home." 

The nurse stuck a thermometer in her mouth. "Shut up and lie down." 

"I on't AVE a eever," Elena protested. "I ust oont oo oh OME. I ed urts." 

The nurse sighed. "Fine." She looked up Elena's file and dialed her phone number. "Honey, how do you pronounce your name?" 

Elena spat out the thermometer. "Exactly how it's spelled." 

The nurse raised an eyebrow. "Mm-hmm. Hello, Mrs., um, Mixle-picks? Sorry. Mr. Schuster. Can I talk to Elena's mother? Legal guardian, I see. Elena has been injured and she needs you to pick her up. Okay, thank you." She hung up. "Elena, exactly what are your living arrangements?" 

Elena considered. "Well, we've got a fridge and an oven and everything, and I've got my own computer." 

The nurse sighed. "I mean…who exactly do you live with?" 

"Joe and Jerry," Elena said. "My mom said she couldn't handle the responsibility of having a kid, so she's off somewhere in the Marvel universe. My dad is imprisoned in the fifth dimension. So my uncles take care of me." 

The nurse paused, not sure how to bring up a delicate subject. "Elena, are your uncles…related?" 

Elena swung her legs off of the cot, wincing. "Nope. Why?" 

The nurse frowned. "Have you noticed anything, er, odd about them?" 

"Besides the fact that they use up a lot of caramel sauce when they sleep together, no." Elena snuggled into her jacket. "I think Joe has a caramel fetish." 

"Oh." The nurse blushed. "Er…well…" 

"Who is picking me up and when?" Elena asked. 

The nurse fled. 

Elena stood in the middle of the room, her jacket hanging off of her. "What?" 


	4. The Plot Becomes So Thick That You Could...

The invitation read: 

Party at my house 

I am having a birthday 

August 23 

I'm turning sixteen 

Dress up as superhero 

Please BYOB 

Starts 7:30 

42 Kavalier Road 

Please RSVP 

Joan got there a little early. 

"WHAT have you been telling Clark?" Her voice echoed throughout the house. 

Elena emerged from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishrag. "Nothing. Why? Come on in, you can help me set up." 

Seething slightly, Joan followed her. Elena's house was large, airy, and mostly white, and obviously designed by someone who had much better taste than any of the residents. If you want to be bothered with the details, just visit any house in any West Bloomfield suburban development, as they all look the same. 

Elena eyed Joan. "Bit of a departure from your usual wardrobe." 

"You said to come as a superhero," Joan reminded her. "I'm Jubilee. From the X-Men." 

"I know who the X-Men are. Wait—I said to what?" 

"Dress up. As a superhero." 

Elena dashed upstairs. There were a few thumps and a shrill scraping sound. When she came back downstairs, she had on a paisley cape, an oversized pair of sequined sunglasses, a piece of cardboard with the number 42 written in crayon on it pinned to her chest, and a dead cicada stuck in her hair. 

Joan removed the cicada. "I don't get it." 

"I am Bizarro Woman." Elena twirled around, making her paisley cape billow out behind her. "Look! Up in the sky! It's a nerd! It's insane! It's…" 

"Superman, right?" 

Elena stopped in her tracks. Her cape came to a halt a few seconds later. "Oh, _that." _

"Oh, _that," Joan mimicked. "Oh, that. Just what have you been telling Clark, anyway?" _

Elena shrugged. "Just, you know, things. That he'll need to know." 

"Specifically, that he's going to be _a friggin' superhero! And now he's bugging me to go fly around with him!" By this time, Joan was holding on to Elena's collar and was shaking her as a terrier shakes a rat. _

Elena gently removed Joan's fist from her shirt. "He shouldn't; I told him he isn't going to have a sidekick." 

"Mmrgmph," Joan fumed. 

"What?" 

"I asked you why the hell you told him anything in the first place. Shouldn't he be discovering his powers and heritage and everything for himself?" 

"That's how the story goes, yes," Elena admitted. 

"Well, then why aren't you letting him do that?" 

Elena bit her lip. "Um. No reason." 

"Elena," Joan growled softly, "_what_ is going to happen and _why_ are you helping it along?" 

"I am not!" Elena protested. 

Joan seized on her statement. "So you're trying to prevent it!" 

Elena groaned and fell back into a recliner. "I can tell you the whole story, but it's going to take a while." 

"We have an hour. Start." 

The crash course that Elena gave Joan was nowhere nearly as exhaustive as the one she had given Clark, but she did explain a few things that Clark didn't know. She told her about Fredric Wertham and George Reeves, and was almost able to satisfactorily explain Crisis on Infinite Earths. She elaborated on the Death of Superman and General Zod and Lex Luthor for President. 

"And then comes New Superman, which is about as big a hit as New Coke was. See, the guys at DC decided it was time for a bit of a change, so they engineer this really weird radiation trick that basically turns Supes into a human electron. Now, here's the good part." She lowered her voice. "Poor Superman over here cannot keep his powers contained, and this is threatening to kill him. Guess what Luthor does?" 

"Sits back and relaxes, secure in the knowledge that his enemy will soon be dead," Joan suggested. 

"Nope." Elena grinned. "He designs a suit that helps Superman contain his powers. Basically saves his life. The drawback is that when the suit's off, Clark Kent cannot use his powers, but it's a small price to pay, yeah?" 

"Wait. Why did he do that?" 

"God only knows. And by 'God', I mean 'whoever was in charge of that particular storyline.' Of course, the change doesn't last long, but it's remembered. Eventually Lex runs for President. And then…" 

"And then?" 

"And then he figures out the truth. Why Clark Kent and Superman are never seen in a room together. It's a very big event." 

She even told Joan how it all ended again. 

"In the, um…well, in the place where comics are read and not lived, this is only the second incarnation. But from where I'm watching it all, it's happened more times than I can count. 

"Of course, they never really stop the series, they just make up a new world. They put in the same characters and relationships. Clark Kent is always Superman, always Kal-El from Krypton, son of Jor-el and Lara-El, found by Jon and Martha, raised in Smallville. Lana Lang is always his childhood crush. Lois Lane is always his girlfriend. Sometimes she knows it's him and sometimes she doesn't. Jimmy Olsen is always his little friend and they always all work at the Daily Planet, with Perry White as editor. Green Kryptonite always hurts him, gold Kryptonite always takes away his powers, and Red Kryptonite always has a really weird effect on him. 

"Lex is the one thing that can change." 

Joan leaned forward. "But isn't he always the bad guy?" 

"In one form or another, yeah," Elena said. "Superman always has his Lex Luthor to fight. Pre-Crisis, he was a mad scientist. Post-Crisis, he was a multimillionaire corporate type and then President. In one incarnation, his mother was a witch and he can do magic. In another, he's a disembodied mind that can go anywhere and see anything, and can control anything whose mind he can get into. Then there's one where he's the last survivor of a race of aliens that were enemies of the Kryptonians. But he's always there." 

Joan considered this. "But he's a multimillionaire corporate type now. So is this Post-Crisis?" 

Elena shook her head. "I thought so in the beginning, but no. It's different. They're building on the same theme, but it's clearly changing. This is a new incarnation, but it's not comics. It's another medium. Since it's not comics, it doesn't have to play by the rules. They can change whatever they want. 

"Which means," she added, "that _I can change whatever I want. And I think I may be able to head off…what I told you about." _

Joan nodded. "So you're making sure they're not enemies?" 

"Yeah. Like I said, it's different every time. But they're always enemies—that's the part I can't figure out how to get around. 

"But," she added, "I think I may already be making a big change. Clark's aware of his destiny now." 

"And that helps how?" 

"He'll struggle against his destiny." Elena smiled enigmatically. 

"How do you know he will? Clark's not a rebel type." 

"I'll make sure he struggles. I'll call in favors. If needs be, I can always just bring in a new flavor of Kryptonite." 


End file.
